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Waittiz

36 naulaa ja naulapyssy
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My last life update was apparently a year ago, buuuut... Well, the start of last year wasn't all that interesting - except I got finally a working medication for the depression, AND I developed a constant fatigue in the spring. I'm still struggling with it and it's only getting worse, and at the moment I'm at that point where I can't remember a sh*t and most of the times I'm simply too tired to do anything supposedly clever. Sometimes it even feels like I don't have the energy to simple things like eat. For the past few weeks I've had things to do IRL and have had to move around and at this point I feel like a total zombie and certainly can't function like a normal human being, and the doctors I've met don't care at all. It's the same reason why I stopped going to therapy as my therapist was only concerned about the fact that I don't go to work now when my depression has gotten better, no matter how much I told her about the fatigue I'm having. Like, yeeeeaaaah. Where the heck I'm supposed to get energy for working? Most of the time I don't have the brain to do the admin stuff I've been doing for over 2,5 years for Reos, and I'm basically doing that on autopilot by now. So going somewhere and learning a new job? Hmmmmm, yup, totally possible. ... Yes, that was sarcasm. Besides of the fatigue I seem to be constantly in some kind of a pain. Currently the top choice for my body seems to be all kind of muscle pains, especially for my upper body. Doesn't motivate me to draw much either as my neck gets stuck in one position and it's a struggle to get it working again. But, I'll manage with it, somehow. One thing I don't manage with is that around the end of last year I was asked if I knew somebody who would like to offer a new home for a Green Cheek Conure. You know, Pyrrhura Conures are my weakness so of course I said I could take it myself. What I didn't know - and what the current owners of the Conure maybe didn't know either - was that the Conure was hand-reared. Aaaaand I've decided ages ago that I definitely absolutely never want to take a hand-reared Pyrrhura... This kiddo has proven my choice pretty much right. Like, Maisa can be a sweetheart as well, but it absolutely LOATHES hands and bites like a little devil if given the chance. And as a Pyrrhura, it likes to be glued to a human 24/7. Biting hands and being on the skin isn't an easy combo. Also, like hand-reared birds rather often, it doesn't understand a thing over my other Conures. My younger Pearly Conure Itikka would love to make friends with Maisa, and Maisa can somewhat tolerate Iti's existence if Iti stays at least 30cm away from it, but what comes to my older Conure, Devon... Oh boy. Those two simply HATE each other. No hope I could let them out of the cage around the same time without the two trying to destroy each other. And Maisa doesn't handle being in the cage for half of the day that well. So... Find a new home for the new birb, right? Well, turns out that the shipping certificate the bird got before being shipped to Finland as a baby doesn't work as a proof of origin for a CITES II species, and it would need a birth certificate. Otherwise it's illegal to sell or buy a bird like that. And I have my reasons to believe Maisa never got a birth certificate from the pet shop it was originally bought from, so that certificate is long gone. So, yeah, I bought an illegal bird and only way to get it elsewhere would be by giving it to a Finnish bird society - for free, of course. When I paid nearly 500€ for a bird I was able to keep for merely a few months, it's pretty... Annoying. With some luck I could ask for at least a partial refund from the earlier owners (who were the parents of Maisa's original owner - who unfortunately passed away, and the bird was left behind) and they might agree, but at the moment I've been too tired to even try to contact them. Trying to organize my life around two birds who want to destroy each other and trying to survive with intact hands in the middle of that makes me even more tired as well. So yeah... Still an unemployed butt laying around in here, trying to figure out how to be a working part of the society when my body comes up with two new shenanigans after getting rid of one, and when every rather nice sounding change turns out to be a disaster as well. At this point I'm dreading of getting a new dog for myself (Gaia's still alive but living with my parents due to new health issues. Makes her life a bit easier when she has a yard, company for the most of the day, and less stairs to climb. She turned 10 years old last month, my little fur baby...) as I'm so sure reality would figure out a way to mess that up as well, hah. Plus, not sure if I could take care of a puppy doggo with this fatigue... A new birb sounded like a nice change, but life proved me wrong. I'm still having a lack of faith towards the future but at least I'm a bit less anxious about it than what I was a year ago with a deeply depressed head. And considering the amount of people we lost from the family during the last year and dealing with the health issues my pets have had... I was lucky to get a working medication before that. Especially losing my aunt still hurts like heck and I can't still partly believe she's gone and that she went the way she did, but life goes on. Aunt wrote us (the relatives) a letter and told us to keep on going and living our lives even after she's gone. And after all, there's no other option. If you read this through, please drop me a comment telling how you guys are doing! I'm maybe not awake enough to reply anything clever to that, but would be nice to know where life has been taking all of you now. I'm even more worse with staying in touch with people than what I was already earlier, hah.

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Paramount slot discounts! Either 1AR per slot or $15 for 5!

Here's the slots available:

Snowglobe 14264 by Reos-Empire
8m Friese Tyrian with Rare tail.

Samara von Sonnenwende 13609 by Reos-Empire
8m Friese Puller, 2 UC marks, Rare ears, UC eyes.
(Wolf & Void)

Shaseada 10580 by Reos-Empire
7m Friese with 2x Rare & 1UC trait

Ramuden 11822 by Reos-Empire
8m Akhal Friese with 3x UC trait
(also has Tobiano & Dom Oriental)

Spectroscope 11543 by Reos-Empire 
6m Opal Friese Tyrian

Some other Paras:

Paroni 8791 by Reos-Empire  Dahl 4065 by Reos-Empire  Victus 2888 by Reos-Empire  Aamuruso 7087 by Reos-Empire  Lilo 6102 by Reos-Empire  Valencia 4826 by Reos-Empire



_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Kids in need of CP, pick freely who to draw/write about for the Paramount slots:

Cherwin 15485 by Reos-Empire  Alaula 15730 by Reos-Empire  Carousel 14959 by Reos-Empire
(^^ Priorities above ^^)
Remeo Rammuson 15559 by Reos-Empire  Hohto Taivasrouta 16547 by Reos-Empire
Frog 16650 by Reos-Empire  Marcella 15712 by Reos-Empire

(All except Frog and Marcella have Ingins)




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General rules:

USD/EUR payments via PayPal.

You are welcome to add in other Reoseans (even combine payments for other players, too) for the pictures.
With hunting pictures, I'll count one image as one roll per Vayron, no matter if there's one or two different preys present.

Not really deadlines since these are Paramount slots.
Just comment here if you're interested and you can post your payment any day even if I had otherwise closed these deals. Though if you post it like 2 years after this, I won't promise I own the Reosean anymore / am around in dA etc. Likely I have them / am around but like said, can't promise.



Please notice that my slot rules are:
-No Inbreeding
-Do not sell these slots, gifting is fine
-Can be used in splits
(-Tag me if you remember)

Willing to offer rerolls for poor litters
("Poor litter" being 1-2 low mark kids, "low mark" amount depending a bit about the parent(s). I usually write out the slots as soon as I see the poor litter myself, but if I don't and you think the litter was absolutely low quality, let me know! We can discuss about the possible reroll anyway.)


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Reused journal
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Random ramblings of a tired, stressed and anxious mind... Life is currently pushing me to look forward. Requiring me to look forward. But all I can see forward in my life is pitch blackness.

Instead, I started to look backwards while trying to figure out how I've dealt with life before. The last few years... They basically feel like they haven't been even my life at all. Like I've been living the life of somebody else.
Now it feels like life has finally swallowed the remainings of what those odd few years had offered to keep me going, and I should look for whatever there was before. But what exactly was there before those times?

There was dreams.
There was the determination to be something, to become something. To live a life.
And there was a healthy mind.

My psychiatric nurse told me a while ago that it's good that I know what happiness in life is. About ten years ago I lived a life I was happy with. After I got my dog, everything was... well. I had a place to live in, I had a lovely place where to study, I had friends around and saw them nearly daily. I had my passion for art and the burn to build my own characters. I had the dog to take long walks with in the nearby forest, usually even accompanied by my best friend and his dog. And most notably... after getting my dog and getting used to the life with a dog, I had no reason to feel down. It was a dream come true. The next 1,5 years were the best time in my adulthood.
But when I look back at those times... Which of the things that made me happy back in those days I could get again in my life? You'd say that friends, studies/work and hobbies are something you can easily build around you again, but when you've lost the spark for any dreams you had, what would you even aim for?
I have some friends, yeah, but I'm usually way too tired to ask around if somebody would bother to see my face. They have their own lives and things to do, I don't want to be on the way.
I've been on a sick leave from being unemployed for the last year. I'm too tired to work. I'm too tired to figure out where I'd want to work (or, I know I'd love to work in a library, but due to my health it isn't possible.) I'll get a panic attack if I'll have to get up in the morning and leave somewhere. Why would I want to go to work? All the expectations in work life only make me stressed out and anxious.
Hobbies... My burn for them is gone as well. All I know that when I get up in the morning, figuring out why I'm still living, it all only gets a bit better when I see my dog. She's the spark in my life. And she's getting old and sick.

No matter how ridiculous it sounds like, dreams keep people going on. No matter how simple or impossible they are. If you dream about having a certain career, you'll live to aim for that dream. If you have a dream of visiting some certain place, you'll aim for a career to gather the funds so you could travel there. Or if you have a dream of owning a house and having a family, that also drives you to getting a career and working towards your dream. You can start a new hobby in order to fulfill another dream.

After I graduated from the animation studies, I knew things would change. I'd aim for other studies and I'd lose the people I had around me. After a year I had my first therapy due to something I thought to be depression, but what was more likely a burnout. I dropped my studies as a gardener, and for a while I was just drifting, figuring out what to do. But I had another plan in my pocket. Even if it was an uncertain plan that was highly likely not going to happen, it was a plan. A dream. Something to wait for. Trying to become a librarian. It also meant getting closer to my best friend from the animation study times.
And it came true.
Until it all became a nightmare, that drove me to this state where I am now.

They weren't all bad times, no. For a while I saw my best friend again. I got to know another person, who also became a best friend. I even learned I can actually love somebody. I learned lots from those studies at the library branch and I had the loveliest internship in the middle of the summer - even if it was an internship in the middle of a summer and believe me, I love my vacations.
But the burnout came back. It developed into a depression. The happiness about being noticed became the fear of being abandoned. I lost quite a bunch of things, including the point and motivation of continuing with the studies. The last three years... Have I just been drifting away from everything, drifting away from life?
I should look for the blocks to build a life again, but I seriously don't know where to look. The past doesn't bring me the answers. Even if there once was a happy life, it's long gone.

All I know is that I'm supposed to apply to the unemployment office in the morning again, no matter if my state hasn't at least gotten any better during the past year.
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Sept 1st
So I saw somebody else to have this kind of journal ('ello Mookie!) and though that instead of spamming(?) new journals, I also could have one where to slap stuff instead. My latest journal has anyway been one of the... more depressing journals, so maybe it's good to swipe it somewhere from the front. Not that my current feeling would be like writing a happy journal this time either, as life is just generally eating my strength. This will probs be a rather long rant, so feel free to skip it or have a bed-time story about health issues.

From the early June I've been struggling mentally with this one Rehabilitation polyclinic I got appointments to. The issue is that the place is mostly dealing with physical rehabilitation and they are only taking into account the fact that I have arthritis and it affects my capability to work. So, in order to find new paths I could consider career-wise, they wanted to slap me into a "short" 120 days lasting internship.
And, since February, I've been on a sick-leave from trying to find myself a job because mentally even an internship is just way too much for my head. I had the internship in last autumn-winter in the nearby library, and while the librarians were lovely and mostly there was no bad experiences with customers either, getting through the last months of the internship was a mental struggle. So you can try to guess how delighted I was that that Rehabilitation polyclinic doctor paid no attention to the fact that I said I'm not able to work. "Well you can have a break during the days!", he said.
Yes, having your head falling apart, a 5min break will definitely do the trick.
Well, I also went to some career guidance held by the polyclinic psychologist and I ranted to her how I was counting the days for the internship's end in the winter and how I'm definitely not feeling like taking another half-a-year -project with internships and whatnot. She was more understanding and told me that there's also an option for having from one month up to three months lasting period of the internship with shorter days and only 3-4 days in a week. It's even meant for people with depression or anxiety or other psychological issues. So, after a few fights regarding the timing for that, it seems I'll eventually be taking that option whenever the time is fit.

Aaaand the time is fit, when exactly?
I also had my second appointment for the psychiatrist at the Psychiatric polyclinic. I started one med for anxiety after my last visit in February, and it was talked about that if that med isn't enough, we could start another one I could take along with the earlier med.
He was already starting to write me the prescription when I remembered to ask that was the med he was thinking about okay to be taken along with the medication I have for the arthritis. Turns out there would have been an increased risk for internal bleeding. Like, hooray! So we just ended up upping the doze I take the earlier med. Later he also seemed to have written me a prescription to a third med, and while finding out what kind of med it is, it apparently has probabilities for some liver issues - like so does one of my arthritis meds, too! I haven't yet seen my psychiatric nurse so I could ask if that was checked before writing me the prescription, because apparently before starting to take that med you should first go through some blood test to check the state of your liver, and keep having those tests done when you are taking the med. Aaaand the thing is that the last psychiatrist just had his last days in that clinic when I had the appointment, and now there even isn't new psychiatrist yet, so there's nobody to write me the referral to those tests. So this wasn't quite working, either.

At the Psychiatric it was also said that I could start to visit the psychiatric nurse a bit more often so we could do some personality tests and whatnot so they might give us something to work on as my therapy hasn't really made a slightest breakthrough. Aaaand the fun part: My mental healthcare is in the city I'm supposed to live in (been a pest at my parents' place most of the time since February, though) and my Rehabilitation stuff is in the city my parents' live in. So at the same time I should start running more often to the Psychiatric while I should start an internship in other city. Hoorray!

And of course it isn't enough to struggle with your own health issues.
Either it was in May or June, I had been visiting the Psychiatric and left my pets at my mom's care. Mom had taken our dogs out for a walk in a forest when Gaia had spotted some deer deeper in the woods, and headed right after them (no worries, she wouldn't hurt even a fly but she just likes to chase after stuff because she's a herding dog.) She came rather soon back when my mom called for her, and was all fine. A few hours later I got back, and I was greeted by Gaia who was jumping on three legs, holding her left paw in the air.
So, I got yet another vet appointment for her, and the vet assumed she had just sprained her leg. (The moment we got to the parking lot at the vet, she was showing no pain in her leg. This is also because after last year's experiences she's terrified of going to the vet.) She got some painkillers for a week and we were told to keep her in rest, not making long walks with her for a while. In a few days, she was all fine. Or appeared to be fine.
There was a few days when we had visited our summer cabin and Gaia had gotten to her favorite hobby, i.e. chasing a ball. After both visits she was limping her left front paw the next day. I figured out that okay, no ball games for her anymore no matter how much she loves them, and we were talking with my mom to get the backs, hips and elbows of both of our dogs x-rayed in some point. We had the visit week ago.
Turns out that Gaia has both spondylosis in her back on two different places, and both her elbows and hips show osteoarthritic changes. It's a lot more worse on her elbows.
She... haven't really shown to be in pain earlier, there's only been those few cases when she was limping her left paw. I'm still in the middle of trying to digest all of this, trying to figure out how to preserve her joints the best I can as long as I can. She also got some painkillers for the osteoarthritis, so I'm seeing if the med makes any difference in her. Basically, she should be in pain but I really can't tell if she is or not. I know she's pretty much like me what comes to pain, being for a moment like "ouch!" and a few seconds later figuring out that nah, it's nothing, just a broken bone. In a way I hope it's a good feature, and maybe she could tolerate the pains better and could carry on with it being foolish little herself for longer, but at the same time I'm figuring what I'll do the day she shows she's in pain. I've been in pains daily since I was ten, and while it's easier for me to not give a shit of the casual pains, it's still not something I want my pets enduring. But I guess I can only hope this isn't something I'll have to figure out too soon.

Besides of all that there seemed to be a small glimpse of light as well, a five years long hope and wait to come true, but at the moment all of that have shrouded in the mist and currently I have no idea if I should keep on hoping or if it's all gone again. It was a goal I got closer than in any point earlier, but the lack of information is worrisome.

You may also have noticed the decreasing amount of art even regarding the Reos ARPG. Maybe it's all this previously mentioned in this journal getting piled up, burying my motivation under all of it. Basically the stuff I've gotten done are stuff that had strict deadlines, and regarding the ARPG art deals, I think I'm just gonna stick with TAKING deadlines on every single deal. If any of you guys who I owe art to are reading this, I'm trying my best to finish up with the stuff this month. I'm really sorry for the long wait.

Edit: Oh yeah, and so that life wouldn't get too boring, I was driving on a high way a week ago when a hare suddenly jumped on the road. Thanks to one idiot driving with their front bumper nearly stuck to the behind of my car, I had no hope of even trying to hit the break. The only good thing is that the hare rather likely was killed instantly when hitting my car, but the impact broke the front mudguard from the left front wheel. It was also so delightful to realize that we had no other car in the yard when we were supposed to hurry to the vet with our dogs, so we had to take Corolla. The moment we got to the high way again, the whole impacted mud guard flew off, missing the car behind us barely.
Because, you know... The feeling of hitting an animal while driving isn't obviously enough.
Small things, but when they all pile up... Could I just sleep 'till the next spring?
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Priitahlk by Waittiz

Priita was my sister's dog and had to be put to sleep today. She had been suffering from pyrosis for a while, but it had gotten even worse recently. She got a good medication for it after the last bad period, but today she stopped eating, wanted to go outside to vomit and just lay down in the snow (it's -25C outside.) She was still way too young but my sister made the right decision. Now you're never in pain again, our precious little Priita. :heart: We all miss you so much.
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